Weddings cost money regardless if it’s simple and frugal or big and elaborate. Even if you decide to skip all the hoopla, you still need to pay for the marriage license.
Almost every event leading up to the wedding will be an event where the wedding party and guests will have to spend some money. One event in particular that seems to be gaining popularity yet has mixed reviews is the stag ‘n’ doe party. It is also called a jack ‘n’ jill or a wedding social. The stag ‘n’ doe is an event for the engaged couple that is hosted by the wedding party. In order to attend, people will buy tickets, which often end up in a raffle of some sort to win prizes.
via https://www.flickr.com/photos/79992579@N07/
At the stag ‘n’ doe there are games such as a “twoonie” toss, in which people toss two dollar coins to a prize (such as a large bottle of alcohol). Whoever’s coin is the closest without actually touching the prize, wins the prize. Another game has to do with goldfish. Guests’ names are put into a bowl and if your name is drawn, you have to eat a live goldfish. However, you can purchase something called “goldfish insurance” which gives you a pass that prevents you from having to eat the goldfish.
Foods can range from full buffet style to finger foods and appetizers. All in all, it seems like an event takes a lot of planning and effort just like a wedding, but it’s an event where everyone can have a good old-time. Yet when it comes down to actual wedding etiquette, I have mixed feelings about it. If a close friend or family member was having a stag ‘n’ doe, of course I would go to support them. At one stag ‘n’ doe I’ve been to, I was well fed, they had great prizes and I had a good time. I didn’t bother to purchase the goldfish insurance, but thankfully my name didn’t get called.
Interestingly enough, this pre-wedding event is a tradition in some parts of the country, such as Manitoba. Perhaps it is even a tradition in certain cultures and that should be respected.
I think it’s perfectly fine if the couple has a grand wedding and if they are paying for all of it by themselves, more power to them. It just goes to show that they are financially independent. I also think it’s perfectly fine if parents want to help pay for the wedding and they can afford to pay for it or for some of it. If the couple wants to have a jack ‘n’ jill before the wedding for financial or social reasons, then they can go ahead. It’s their wedding, so they can pretty much do whatever they want. Personally, I don’t think I would have one if I was to ever get married.
I don’t think these parties existed around the time my parents got married or while I was growing up in the 80s and 90s. Maybe they did, but just weren’t as popular.
I’ve heard of people getting invited to stag ‘n’ does, but not getting invited to the wedding. Or sometimes guests will bring their friends and then they’ll bring their own friends. Believe it or not, I have seen a posting on Kijiji promoting someone’s stag ‘n’ doe, so pretty much anyone and everyone could go to it. I guess there could be several approaches to inviting people: invite everyone the couple knows-regardless of whether or not they are invited to the wedding, wedding guests only, or spread the word and sell as many tickets as you can.
Having a stag ‘n’ doe is a personal choice. However, I wouldn’t want to pay for someone’s wedding that I wasn’t invited to or didn’t even know. Then again, it’s a good way to fill up a Saturday night if you’re looking for something to do.
What are your thoughts on these types of parties? Have you ever been to or had a stag ‘n’ doe prior to your wedding?
I *HATE* the idea of “Jack and Jill” parties (or whatever other names they go by). Assuming you’re close to this person you end up going to a bridal shower, bachelorette, wedding, at the wedding sometimes there are “money dances” and the like. Add in a Jack and Jill, and I’m ready to call you money-grubbing… LOL.
If you can’t afford your wedding, maybe your wedding is too big. It isn’t our job as your friends to finance your wedding. It’s the same issue of people “having to reimburse for the cost of the plate” – NO! Especially when people end up with $100+ per head. Don’t have that expensive of a wedding.
Sorry, I’ll stop ranting, but this irks me to no end.
Although money dances are part of my background’s culture, I most likely wouldn’t have one if I ever got married. I feel like $100+ has now become the standard amount to give for a wedding, so imagine if you had had several weddings to go to in one year…. :S
Ha! This was me in 2012. I had 5 family weddings that year….it was just crazy! Like you said the standard has become $100+ for wedding gifts but it is rough when you have so many to attend. And one wedding was a destination wedding so that really was just the icing on the cake. I’m just not a fan of destination weddings, they are too expensive for the guests.
Five!!??! Oh wow. I think the most I ever had in one year was 4. I think the general idea behind the destination wedding is to only have close friends and family at the wedding. However, with that being said, it still is quite expensive to go to one. I’ve never been myself, but I’d like to go!
Seems like a blatant money grab to me. I think if I got an invitation like that, I’d skip it and the wedding also. Just because…..
I think it would depend on how close I was to the person and if they were family. However, there are so many events leading up to a wedding, it’s almost as if you really should pick and choose which ones to go to in order not to break the bank.
I’ve seen people around here do bachelor parties this way. They sell tickets & it’s usually involves an open bar, food and they’ll raffle off prizes. It’s probably a blatant money grab. I’ve been to a few of them for people I wasn’t very close to & they’re still usually a good party that ends up being a lot cheaper than a normal night out at a bar. So while it’s not something I’m doing before my wedding, I don’t have a problem with people who do.
If it ends up being cheaper than a normal night at the bar, then I guess it’s not a bad idea, especially if you don’t have to go to the wedding. Haha. I guess it just ends up being one more money event to attend to for people who have been invited to all the showers, engagement parties and bachelor/bachelorette parties already.
Whaaat?? This sounds absolutely bizarre. I’m seriously starting to feel like weddings are getting out of control. I’m getting so tempted to just get married at a registry and throw a big party afterwards.
I hear ya. That’s my plan. I’ve also thought about the idea of eloping or a destination wedding.
In my home town (and I lived out in the country) these types of Jack ‘n’ Jills were mostly for the community to come and give their well wishes to the bride and groom. All the wedding guests would also attend but it gave people who were not invited to the actual wedding a chance to partake in the fun. If they made a bit of money on the side that was just fine. Usually the beer was inexpensive and the games were fun too! I think it really depends on your motivation. If its all about money then I dont think you have the right motivation. If its about sharing your special moment with more people, then by all means, lets party!
Until I read up on it, I never knew that stag ‘n’ does/jack ‘n’ jills were a community event or part of the culture. I guess if you grew up surrounded by them, then it’s part of the norm. I guess for people who didn’t grow up with them or grew up in the suburbs, they would have a completely different outlook on them.
Skip the parties. Live together, stay single. Save money. But you can still have an annual bachelor party.
My partner and I do live together, but I wouldn’t say we’re single. Lol. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a wedding, some people just need to be money conscious about it and not let the expenses spiral out of control.
I love attending weddings and being part of weddings, but it is so frustrating when the costs are out the wazoo and you cant take anything back once you request something. Also, why do flowers cost thousands of dollars? That’s insane.
Great post!
Glad you enjoyed it! 🙂
If it were me, I would just get bouquets from the local grocery store and make my own.
I’ve never heard of this! I think it would be super rude to invite people that weren’t invited to the wedding. It’s kind of like saying, “Please give me your money so I can throw an awesome party for someone else.”
To be honest, I had never heard of them either until I got invited to go to one. I would never go to one unless I was invited to the wedding.